10.25.2008
Friday Afternoon At Park Place
The rays of the sun beat upon my head as heat radiates off the asphalt. The air is overwhelmed with the scent of exhaust, and a puddle of gasoline rests beneath a truck. A horn blares, and a door slams. A woman bustles across the street as a pigeon strikes the ground over and over with its beak. A teenager etches into a tree. Another jumps over a wall. A woman rushes in while a man shuffles out. Palm trees sway in the breeze as a hawk soars with ease. A couple link arms and stroll past while a man flings a penny into a fountain. A mother grasps her child's hand and guides him through a scattered crowd. A Hummer and a slug bud compete for a parking spot. The hummer fails. A lady lugs her bags into her trunk. A man watches as he slurps his drink. A crow inspects the medians for scraps. A child spooks the crow and races to catch up with his father. The scent of gasoline dissipates as the smell of the food court invades the air around me. A girl, eyes pinned to the screen of her phone, crosses the street without a glance. An engine revs and tires screech. The clamor of the mall swarms around me.
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7 comments:
There were absolutely no adjectives but yet i could see the entire story as vividly as if i was there. I particularly liked the line about the palm tree breeze and hawk flying with ease, it was very poetic and catchy. I really liked how you focused on all the small things. However, I feel as if the piece moved a little to quickly, and you talked about too many different things. But for the most part it was good.
I loved how you described every single aspect of the moment instead of just focusing on one thing. You described things in ways that were so obvious, yet i never would have thought of them, which makes it genius. I particularly loved the part about the slug bug beating the hummer for the last parking space. This piece showed me a lot about you and how observant you are. It was really fun to read and kept my attention. Yay!!
That was an awesome piece. The description, with no adjectives, purely described each action thoruoughly. The way you observe such small details in the mall is awesome, I wish I did that! It seemed like you worked on every sentence slowly, to make sure that everything came out the way you wanted to be, which is awesome! Good job :)
I really like how you described every little thing in with extreme respect; it made me think about what I see in real life. The only thing was that, while I realise it's hard to come up with originalities, some of the verbs were kinda cliche (sun beating, lugging the bags). Maybe you could work on that.
I really enjoyed the detail of this one scene. There are so many aspects of this one moment that happen everyday, but we rarely pay attention to. It is almost as if there are lots of stories within this one scene.
I thought that the detail of your description was amazing. I felt like I was almost there with you. I agree with other posters that it may have moved a little quickly, but it really brought out the setting of a busy mall. I wonder about the last few sentences - are you saying that the girl with the cell phone was struck by a car? This left me wondering, and maybe you could clarify this in a future draft.
I really liked the detail you put into this. Even though you didnt use many adjectives, I could literally see everything that was happening at the mall. Well done.
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