12.14.2008

Bear Story- kill something with your worst fear

Leaves crunched under the paws of the hefty creature. A soft growl rumbled slowly outside the thin tent. Darkness had fallen. The woman sat perfectly still. She tried to hold her breath; she did not exhale. She worried the beast would hear her heart beat- a great drum. She could hear the beast rummaging through her camping equipment near the fire pit. She was clueless about what to do next. Her mind sorted through possible escapes, but her body did not move. She sat frozen. The animal circled the tent... then stopped behind her. She could feel it's hot, heavy breath down her neck as it seeped through the thin tent. She was not safe there. The animal growled- then there was complete silence. One moment passed. Suddenly, there was an enormous roar. A heavy paw smashed down on the side of her face. Her head bashed the ground with great force. The tent ripped. She could see nothing in the dark of the night.

3 comments:

Ariella said...

Carissa (I think it is yours at least)-

Fun little story. Your use of description really made this story exciting to read on and hear what was going to happen next. I like the part where she can feel the breath of the bear down her back through the thin tent. You should try set the scene a little more in the beginning of the mini-story so we can see where she is and what she is doing. Also, I felt like the story could have had more mystery and excitement if your sentences weren't short and sweet; try maybe playing with sentence length to have a better flowing story. Great job though!

-Ariella

Tyler said...

The descriptions were really well done. I really liked how much you went into detail; it made the story feel very real. It made me want to know what was happening next. Just one little thing, like ariella said, maybe you could add a bit of background as to why she was camping and if she came alone. But other than that I thought the descriptions made this story really well done.

Yahya said...

I really like how you never said the word Bear, and this made the reader think about which ever animal they hated most. That made this story universal. I also liked your sophisticated word choice, however, that did take away from the scary campfire aspect of the story. The ending was really good, because of the description and the way it left the reader in a cliff hanger.